Live to Love and Love to Live

These Hands

2008-12-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

These hands I clasp together

They are joined together to pray

As I fall on my knees

I bend my head

And say

FATHER, you said you would stay

Never to leave or forsake us

From the beginning

To the very last day

No matter how horrible dark or gray

Beside me , never would YOU stray

So, I now come to you

Just simply to say

These hands are joined together

In recognition of my belief

That to you, I can come today

Just to say thanks and seek releif,

Forgiveness for one who

Will somettimes stray

Thank you dear Lord,

Without you I am nothing

You are my strength

My vision, the light unto my feet

The one who taught me about loving

So, again these hands I clasp together

Just to say thanks

I have the chance everday

With YOU to speak

Simply fall on my knees

and pray...

Just A Little Something I'm Proud Of.....

2008-09-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

"Decades of published studies in psychology, social science, and medicine have shown that children raised in, for example, fatherless families, on average, suffer in every measure of well-being. They have higher levels of physical and mental illness, educational failure, poverty, substance abuse, criminal behavior, loneliness, and physical and sexual abuse."

I grew up without a father... I am definately mentally and physically stable. I do exceptionally well in school; I get A's and never lower. I am involved in so many school-related activities and I still keep up. I work to get things I want and need and I have an amazing mother to help, we are not in poverty. I have never drank or done drugs and I do not plan to in my lifetime. Some or possibly many people think that this idea is dumb but it is a moral I value very highly and I am sticking to it. I am no criminal and I do not behave like one. I am not lonely. I have such amazing friends that actually care. To me, it is hard to believe that someone would actually care about me and I am so grateful for them. As for physical and sexual abuse goes... not me. I would never intentionally hurt someone, especially a girl. I have the deepest respect for girls - women. I would never hurt a girl, ever. Another very strong moral I have is that I will not have sex until I am married. I do not believe premarital sex is right. It is something I will never do. Again, some may disagree but this is what I believe.

It is definately hard growing up without a father. There are just so many things one does not get to experience, learn, and just simply do. One day I will have my own children - I cannot wait. I will never abandon them, I will never neglect them, I will never regret them. I will always be there for them. I'll be their foundation, the foundation I never had. I built my my life, my "structure", upon sand. I fought hard to keep stable and not crumble and succumb to my "fate." I am my foundation, I am my structure.

See? I have overcome my own "impossible, statistical" barrier. I am my own person, not bound by the mistakes, actions, and words of others.

A poem of a fatherless poet..

LONELY CHILD

Torch is passed

No mystery

Behind the consternation

On my furrowed brow

Trudging through the minefields

Longing for completion

Sacred glimpse of home

Seeking love

Unconditional

Revelations

Rare

Hurdles

Monumental

Taking time to change

Soaking up the truth

Behind these bedroom eyes

Lonely child remains

Selfish in such longing

Unbiased bulletin

Forgive

My insecurity

Indulge

My fragile passion

My humble plea

On Call and The Summer of The Learning of New Souls

2008-08-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went on a retreat for On Call. On Call is a christian music group that pretty much goes around spreading the Word of God through music worship. I just joined and this is my first year in it. I had heard so much about On Call this past year and how fun it is. I really love singing and especially with a real purpose.

Something really great about this past weekend, something I learned, is that there are people that are like me in terms of my relationship with God. Going into this I had the mind set that everyone would be super hardcore christian and Jesus freaks but I was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I love these type of people but I never seem to fit in with them. There were many people like this there but also people like me, people on a journey to strengthen their relationship with God. There were not only a few but a fairly large chunk of people like this. We had a bible study and I was in a group with three or four girls since On Call has only like 6 or 7 guys out of the almost 40 participants. But these girls and I really talked about a lot. We talked about each of our individual outlook on God and where we are in our relationship with Him. I really loved listening to them for a lot of what they said related to what I, myself was constantly thinking about. We were given approximately 45 minutes for this bible study and we went 45 minutes over and were, accordingly, 45 minutes late for rehearsal. I was worried that we were going to get scolded and get the usual lecture about being on time but Becca, our "leader" I guess, was okay with it. She was so excited to hear that we got so wrapped in our discussion about faith and religion. That really made me happy to feel that she cared more about what we were learning and experiencing from each other than the music we were supposed to be learning.

Another great thing about On Call is people. I loved meeting new people and listening to their stories and listening to them. You learn so much when you are thrown into an environment where most of the people there you have never met or maybe have only seen. You learn to really get to know people and I love doing that. I experienced the same environment at All-State Choir at Concordia. I was thrown into an environment where I didn't even know many people but I got to know people. I stayed in a room with a person i had never met in my life but within a few days I knew quite a bit about him. Also, even earlier in the summer, in marching band, I met a lot of people I had never met. Mostly these kids were a year or two younger than me but a friend doesn't mean they have to be your age. Some of these people I have come to talk to quite often.

This summer has been amazing. Mostly this month. Great things have happened to me August of 2008. I can't say that anything to terrible happened. Nothing that hurt me to bad, nothing that drove me crazy, and nothing that happened that would have a negative impact on my life. New people have come into my life this past summer and lifted me to place I didn't think I would be. I thank these people with everything I have.

So, if someone were to ask me how I would describe this summer, the summer before my senior year, I would say that this has been The Summer of Learning, no.. The Summer of The Learning of New Souls....

For those with loss...

2008-08-21T23:41:00.000-07:00

I know that not many people read this but if by chance someone does in need of comfort, here is a few words of wisdom I've learned from unfortunate events...

Why do things have to pass you by? The things that are so irreplaceable, they seem to run by without giving us the chance to see how much we've just lost. They say no matter how dark the night is, the sun always rises again ... I say lost love makes one realize that no matter how bright the day is, the sun will always set again. So once you find someone you really love, try your hardest not to loose them, because you will never get over the feeling of loneliness. Yet, it's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one. But if you ever do loose a love, remember, sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them. And if they tell you your love is over but do not give an explanation that would satisfy, do not think, "I am everything you want; I am everything you need; I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be. I say all the right things, at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why..." You must believe in life, that it will take you to new love. Even if this new love is an eternity away. Give life time to heal you. Time. For me... Time is the most important thing in the world. It is the only thing that can fix my broken heart. It is the only thing that keeps me going, and it is the only thing that keeps my hopes alive. But, do you know what? Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain. Someday we'll know why the sky is blue. Someday we'll know why we weren't meant for them...

Life goes on, even if you don't want it to.

-Phil

PS.. I'm sorry.. I guess that wasn't truly brief.

All-State!!

2008-08-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hey, right now I'm at Concordia College for All-State Choir! I'm a Tenor II in the All-State Men's Choir. I've been having so much fun here. I absolutely love this school and campus now. It's definately on my list for possible colleges.

So far it's been great. Our director is Diane Loomer. She is from Canada and is well known throughout North America for her Men's Choirs. It's sort of amusing that she composed some of the pieces we're singing and the rest are either composed for her choir or at least dedicated to her choir, which is called Chor Leoni.

The experience of All-State has affected me more than I thought it would. I previously have desired to go into medicine but I now am really thinking of going into music...

Cross Country??

2008-07-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

Lately I have had some trouble making a decision. I'm having trouble deciding whether or not to continue Cross Country this year. For the past three years I've run many miles during the summer, started practice three weeks before school gets out, cutting my summer short, then practicing everyday after school and going to meets once in awhile. But now, I have a slight desire to break that habit. I'm thinking of just not joining Cross Country this year. it's not that I just am lazy and don't want to run anymore. I have reasons, that seem to me, to justify this desire.

~Last year I was in Cross Country and then the musical came around. I really wanted to try out. I didn't think I'd get a good part but I thought I'd audition. I prepared for it more than any audition before. When I went in there I told Mr. Haugen, his wife, and Mrs. Evenson that I was just going to try out solely for a main role and if I wasn't good enough then I'd not want a part because I didn't want to do Cross Country and the musical. If I got a main part then I'd quit Cross Country. Well I got a main part and I quit Cross Country. Coach Popp told me I would've run at state but the musical was better than winning state. So my point is... Why join Cross Country again and quit once the musical starts?

~Another reason I have is my schedule next year. I'm taking (AP stands for Advanced placement, it's a college level course) AP Literature, AP American History, AP Spanish 5, AP Spanish 6, AP Music Theory, College Prep Chemistry, Pre-Calculus, World Geography (Credit by Assessment), and finally Band and Choir. I don't want to waist time doing a sport that I don't love and struggle to get homework done. During Track it'll be different because I love Track. So not doing Cross Country will help my grades.

~Music. That's a reason. I never thought that I would but I think I'm getting somewhere in music. This past school year I surprisingly was accepted into All-State Choir. I was very surprised considering the people who were auditioning because only 6 people from Willmar could get in. Shelby Morton, Shelly Sommers, Tessa Anderson, Tiffany Seu, Trey Haugen, Nate Tusa, Sarah Floren, Josh Serbus, Miriah Nellermoe, Ryan Freitas, Josh Freitas, and more. All of these people, I thought are like, amazing! I'll never get in. And also I've really improved on my trumpet this year. Not many will know what I'm talking about but I can now double tongue, hit over 10 high C's in a parade, get even higher than that, play musically, etc. If I can focus more on my trumpet than I think I can have a chance at making Phantom Regiment, a drum and bugle core that I am planning to audition for in November around Thanksgiving in Illinois, with the help of Mr. Mara. This would be a dream come true. To be a part of something like that would make me cry, seriously. Also, if I can work hard on vocal skills and my trumpet, I think I can get some pretty good scholarships. I have a friend, Patrick Hand, he received a full scholarship to a 2-year college in Mississippi for his Trumpet. That would help a lot. So if I quit Cross Country, I'd have so much more time to focus on these things which I love.

~I'm not very good at Cross Country. I mean I can get in the top 5 out of 100 in a JV race and close to the top half or so in a varsity race but I'm not good. So really, Cross Country won't get me anywhere in life. I can get somewhere in life with music. Whether it be scholarships or being a professional musician.

Although I have these reasons, there are reasons to stay in Cross Country. It's so much fun. It's like being part of a big family of people who all like the same thing. It teaches you a lot of things about life that you can take with you. And a great reason, it keeps me in shape. So I don't know what to do... Should I stay in Cross Country or just quit after 3 years of it?

The Beginning

2008-07-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well... I am writing my first blog. Allison made me.
Well I am Phil Knutson and I go to high school. I'll be a senior next year but I'm not entirely sure I really desire to be one. As a freshman you cannot wait to be at the top but now that I'm here I want to go back. I don't think I'm ready to go to college. I have no idea what college to go to and what I want to do. I want to go into pre-med but i do not know if it's for me or not. All I know is I love music. I love to sing and I love to play jazz with my trumpet. So maybe I'll get to college, dop everything except for music and be some kind of low payed music teacher. But other than that the summer before my senior year is not the greatest. Marching band was a blast and we actually won a few competitive parades and got 4 or 5 catagory bests. It really isn't swell because my best friend moved away. She's in Colorado... The rest of my summer lookss okay I guess, a few event here and there; Sonshine where I'll get to see Allison! I also made it into All-State Choir this year. I feel pretty great about that. I'll be going to Concordia for a week long camp to sing with the best people in the state. It'll be fun because a good friend of mine and I are both Tenor 2's in the Men's Choir. But it's slightly odd because the director of the Men's Choir is a female choir director. That's different. I'm kind of excited for school to start. Not becuse of school itself but because of music. I really want to work hard my senior year. I'm hoping to audition for Phantom Regiment, a Drum and Bugle Core out of Illinois. They are one of the best in the world getting in the top 5 at the DCI World Championships for the past 20 years. I'm really excited.
Well that's all for now. I feel like I wrote a novel.